Not quite an old gray mare

It’s been about 4 years since I’ve written on a regular basis. When I was a little girl I wanted to be a teacher like every other 9 year old but when I was a teenager I dreamed of being a writer. I filled notebooks full of melodramatic, self-absorbed prose, half teenage angst and half … Continue reading Not quite an old gray mare

Meet Me Where I Am

I only posted two times on this blog last year and thinking about it makes me panic a little. This used to be the place where I joined with my community of survivors and seekers. It was my sanity check, my sanctuary and the place where I felt validated and heard. But when I sit … Continue reading Meet Me Where I Am

Holding On

"Holding on, Why is everything so heavy?" - Linkin Park, "Heavy" I read back through my posts lately and thought why is everything so heavy? This is where I come to wrestle with my demons and reconcile the past with the present. Sometimes it’s heavy stuff but I have entire weeks and months of uneventful … Continue reading Holding On

Through the Roof

I cried in the shower this morning, which is my favorite place to break down. There’s something about hot water mixing with hot tears that’s comforting and cleansing. And I don’t have to care about messing up my make-up. I’m just really tired. Some of it is sick and tired but most of it is … Continue reading Through the Roof

What I Pray For You

When my friend Marie Pechet died in December, she sent me a spiritual gift. That may sound strange to some of you but anyone who has read her blog or who knew her knows what I’m talking about. Marie was all about spirits, serendipities and God connections. So I wasn’t at all surprised when I … Continue reading What I Pray For You

Removing My (Breast) Armor

I purposely keep walking by mirrors so that I can see myself. When I’m sure no one is looking, I lift my shirt to make sure they’re real. I feel like a teenage girl whose boobies sprouted overnight; amazed, grateful, relieved. And to think that all it took was a little surgery to make me … Continue reading Removing My (Breast) Armor

Finally Clean

I had a two-day meltdown last month, which seems to happen every July. I don’t know what the trigger is exactly, other than that most of the abuse I can remember happened during the summer months. It used to bother me, not knowing why it was always July, and now I think that maybe it’s a … Continue reading Finally Clean

I Love You More

May 18, 2016 My 92-year-old grandma went into the hospital a couple of weeks ago with a broken hip. She was moved to a rehab facility and then contracted pneumonia. When I visited her today, she was remarkably lucid, even more so than a couple of days ago. Still, I sense that she’s not really … Continue reading I Love You More