I know what you’re going to say. You didn’t do it. It was someone else. It doesn’t matter that there’s not a shred of evidence that points to anyone but you. You will still deny it.
You’re doing drugs. Again. You’re acting reckless. Again. I welcomed you back into our lives and you hurt someone I love. Again.
But you’re not the only one who has made mistakes. I don’t know what I could’ve been thinking. In the nearly 8 years since you’ve been in my life, you have ripped through our lives like a tornado and every time he took you back, we took you back. Without a good explanation, without so much as an apology. Why would you need to apologize to us? You didn’t hurt us directly, right? That’s what I told myself. If he chose to be with you, respecting him meant respecting that choice.
So, I opened my door to you. Again. I treated you with respect and kindness. Again. I gave you the benefit of the doubt even though I knew you were doing drugs. Again.
And you paid me back by stealing money from my friend. Right from under our noses. In my sacred place where I welcome and cherish those I love. There will never be another again.
I don’t know what it will take for you to get help, for you to get clean and to get sober. I don’t know what has to happen for you to recognize that the substances you’re putting into your body are killing your soul and robbing you of all the potential I so clearly see in you. I’ve always seen a brightness fighting to show through your armor and defenses. It’s those glimpses that made me want to support you.
You think I’m judging you harshly and am hateful. But maybe I haven’t been hard enough on you. I’ve never been one to give up on someone who needs love and support. I don’t want people to feel like I’m judging them harshly and unfairly because I’ve made mistakes too. I’ve given many people a chance to earn my trust again. I don’t want anyone to be mad at me. I want to be liked.
But instead of worrying so much about what you would think of me, maybe what you really needed was for me to be real with you. Maybe if I would’ve made getting help for your substance abuse a condition of our relationship after your first reckless incident years ago, you would’ve understood that it wasn’t ok to me for you to keep hurting yourself and those I love. Who knows? Maybe that condition would have been unacceptable to you and you never would’ve stepped foot back in my home. It would’ve made things complicated.
But maybe taking that hard line with you would’ve been what you needed to see that you are killing yourself. And that I care about that. I care about you.
We’ll never know what could’ve been. I can only tell you that the line is drawn now. The rest is up to you.
Friends of mine put together these lists of resources for getting help: