Change is going on all around me; in my personal life, in the lives of people I care about and in the lives of total strangers. In a lot of ways, I really like change but lately I’ve been feeling resistant to it. You don’t have to be a Trekkie to understand what the Borg meant when they said, “Resistance is futile.”
I find that I’m most resistant to change when I can’t find my role within the new order. There is nothing worse for me than the feeling of being at the mercy of forces outside of myself. Whether it’s a decision that’s out of my hands or a change of direction, I want to know that I have choices, that I have control.
There’s the word at the heart of it all. With change comes the unknown and my futile attempts to stay in control.
My aunt and her family are going through unimaginable heartache at having to relive my cousin’s death. He was killed in a road rage shooting last year and the killer’s trial started last week. Sometimes, the unknown is heartbreakingly forced upon you.
I was driving a few days ago when I noticed a woman walking with 3 young children. One was in an infant carrier on her back. The other two were walking by her side and looked to be under the age of 4. It was a busy street and not one that I’d feel comfortable walking down with my kids. Heck, I’m barely comfortable walking my kids through a parking lot. Then I noticed the white stick with the red tip and realized she was blind. Sometimes, the unknown is unavoidable if you want to get anywhere.
I had a breakdown last week when I found out that my kids’ pediatrician is not part of our new insurance group even though the only reason I chose the plan was because she was on the list. No matter that my kids are perfectly healthy and maybe see the doctor twice a year. Sometimes, the unknown is a minor inconvenience that feels like the final straw in a world of change that’s coming at you fast.
Will we be okay? What will they decide? Will I slip off the sidewalk?
When I stopped drinking in 2011, I was not comforted by the advice of taking it one day at a time. The opposite was true. Committing to not drinking for only one day left me feeling like I had a lifetime to worry about. For me, the only way to stop drinking was to commit to not drinking forever. It was a control issue for me. I’ve learned to see the wisdom in taking it one day at a time and handing it over to God but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped resisting.
I had a second breakdown last week when my kids and I watched Frozen. When Queen Elsa began to sing Let It Go I did just that. Cuddled up in bed with my kiddos, safe, fed and warm, I cried and let go of whatever it was that was keeping me from breathing deeply. I inhaled the scent of their sweet heads and exhaled the pressure that was determined to escape one way or another.
Today, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage. I’m reminded of all the love that I’ve let into my life, of all that I haven’t resisted or pushed away. I have so much to be thankful for.
“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” – Marcus Aurelius