Every so often, I wake up with a heavy heart and feel defeated before I even open my eyes. I can feel myself frowning in my half wakened state. Is it any wonder that I have these lines between my eyebrows?
I trudge out of bed, my scowl in place and slip on some armor to wear for the day. It’s a mindless task, serving to hold in my dark mood. I need coffee and wait impatiently as my cup fills. If the k-cup machine is this much of a challenge, I can only imagine what the rest of the day will hold.
This is where I have a choice to make. Not choose to be happy. That’s ridiculous and impossible at this stage. I need to choose whether to learn from experience or reinvent the wheel from piss and vinegar. I’ve been here before and I have a pretty good idea of what works and what doesn’t. I can either do what works or give the world a big F you and wallow in my gloom.
What doesn’t work is attacking my mood like a problem. I like having problems to fix. I’m good at it. Give me a task and I’ll make a checklist. I will get the job done. Give me a feeling and I struggle to just sit with it. I want to analyze and compartmentalize it until it fits in a box that I can stack on a shelf. Telling myself that I shouldn’t feel this way definitely doesn’t work. Who cares if I should. I do.
What does work is saying yes when I want to say no. Cleaning helps. I need the instant gratification of seeing dog hair disappear. I need to be Queen of the Clean Floor Universe. I need to feel good at something. Crying is always good, especially if the tears are for someone else so that there’s no room for self pity (here’s a good example). Praying helps.
I will bounce back. Sometimes it only takes half a day and sometimes it takes a few. I rarely give myself credit for how resilient I am. I’m the Fruit of the Loom of resiliency. I’m Mrs. Bouncy Bouncybackaton. I am half a cup of determination and the other half is just fizz. I’m tough and tender in all the right places. I am sober and willing and funny and vulnerable. I’m in a bad mood but I’m a badass too. I feel better already.